The love and loathe of Unsolicited Advice
I am no longer accepting unsolicited advice from people who haven’t walked a day in my shoes.
This was the line I delivered to my Dad recently over coffee, after he had given me some harmless ‘advice’ about how I should be parenting my kids… the harmless advice that was ‘well-meaning’ and ‘not criticising’…
My Dad grew up in the ‘children should be seen and not heard’ era. The same era that thought a wooden spoon on the backside was a proper response to ‘playing up’. I hold no judgment for the time he grew up in, or for how my parents coped and raised me to the best of their abilities. And yet, I am acutely aware that things are very different these days… even if my Dad doesn’t quite see it!
Dad’s reaction to my declaration? ‘Fine then, I won’t share my opinion at all from now on’. Ok Dad… now who’s really taking offence here?
My Dad and I have a great relationship actually. He’s usually the one I call when I have a crisis to deal with… well, a professional or practical crisis. If it’s an emotional crisis, he’s the last person I ask. He’s brilliant with practical and career advice - taught me how to change a tire, reverse a trailer, drive a tractor… and then a car. But matters of the heart, he’s emotionally challenged. Thanks in no small part to his childhood that involved joining the dinner table in a shirt and tie and speaking only when spoken to. So, it’s not really his fault, and he’s certainly not equipped with the know-how, or the impetus to want to change his approach, at nearly 80 years old. So, after several arguments and feelings of disappointment that he doesn’t ‘see me’, I have learned (ok… am still learning) how to compartmentalise my conversations with him.
When I shared a heartbreak with Dad, his response was simply “Well, he wasn’t good enough for you anyway, just get over it.” Thanks Dad. I could see the love in his words and the good intention behind them – but, if only it was that easy! Healing, as we know, is not linear, and is not as simple as the advice we sometimes receive, even when it comes wrapped in kindness.
What I’m realising now, as I learn more about myself and the world, is that we’re all doing the best we can, with the resources we choose to access. Those resources are vast and wide, and becoming more so, but only if they’re in our awareness and we choose to access them.
I’ve learned how to hold space - not just for others, but most importantly, for myself. And I’m also learning not to allow in the comments and judgement from those who aren’t in the arena – giving life and dreams and lofty goals a red hot go. Usually, those people are far less likely to judge, and more often there to offer support along the way.
That goes for loved ones as well.
And in this reframe. I have found some freedom. A little more breathing space than I felt before. It’s not perfect of course! And sometimes I still trip, but I pick myself back up quickly, reclaim my rhythm and hold my own heart.
Each woman I know is walking a similar path — the path of sovereignty, surrender and rebirth. She unravels the mistruths and judgements. She integrates her light with the shadows. She remembers her source — love, compassion, divinity.
That is the work of The Company of Her. The worthiness in space holding. The remembering of why she matters. The return to her.
The Company of Her exists to support amazing women through transitions like this - to rediscover their light and shine with brilliant intensity. If you feel called, I’d love to hold space for you.
With love, and goddess light
Nat 🤍