I'm grateful for the heartbreak
I am. And yes, it’s true, I didn’t / couldn’t write this straight away but even then, I knew I was. The pain and anxiety that the constant push pull dynamic was affecting on me was immense. I am a strong, resilient and very independent woman, but this man, this boy, and his behaviour, had reduced me to a shadow of myself. Chasing, second-guessing, over-reaching, over-compensating. I hated it, yet I kept doing it.
So, when the inevitable conversation came following a lame, even for him, “Do you want me to pop over” after several heartfelt and not responded to invitations, I had had enough. My nervous system was shot, and I felt over it. So, I pushed back and called him on his bullshit… gently… because even though I was ‘done’, I still didn’t want to upset the apple cart / rock the boat. (!). Eventually I told him I felt he was pushing me away, and maybe he wanted to end it. He didn’t argue with me; he let the house of cards I had built around myself fall to the ground with an earth-shattering thud – far more dramatic than it ever should have been. He didn’t fight for us, for me, he simply walked away, with a lame ‘I’m sorry’ and silence.
I was devastated. But strangely, I was also relieved. Because now I actually knew where I stood… out in the cold as it turned out, but I still knew. There was no more ambiguity, no what ifs, no more one-sided effort required on my part. It was clear. Painful! But clear, nonetheless. I’ve always maintained that I can handle any situation, as long as I understand it. And this was the clarity I needed to help me handle the heartbreak.
Slowly I started to feel better, one day at a time. Don’t get me wrong, I had plenty of days where the tears flowed... becoming sobs when I spoke to my Mum! I felt empty, hollow and like my heart had been ripped out. As well as angry, resentful and full of hate for the ‘man’, read coward, who walked away so easily. But I did also start to feel better… I threw myself into work, exercise, my kids, my besties… not in that order. And started to feel like me again. I’ve often believed that, following a breakup, women start off low and rise a little each day, whereas men start on a high with a feeling ‘freedom!’ and exhilaration, and then, each day, they dip and drop until the reality of what they lost, what they ‘let go’ sinks in. And that’s what happened here.
After 2 weeks of silence, I received a message… ‘just saying hi’ and wondering ‘can we still be friends?’. No, was my answer… but I still answered him, still holding hope for more. Not long after that, some more random messages. memes, meaningless breadcrumb messages with questions… nothing of substance, and no accountability. So, I ignored them, and I started to see the truth of who he really was. The avoidant, non-committal man… rather than the idealised version of him I had created in my mind.
Time, and distance gave me clarity. More clarity. They say rejection is protection. It certainly doesn’t feel that way at the time, but with space, I can definitely see that it is. So, what clarity did I receive with the space and distance? What am I grateful for?
Well, I finally broke a cycle. A pattern of over-giving and over-compensating in relationships. It seems, looking back, that I have been doing that for years! This relationship breakdown hit me harder and deeper than any other… and I’ve been divorced! So, maybe it’s for this reason I stood my ground, and didn’t accept breadcrumbs (friendship when I really wanted more, memes when I really wanted conversation). It was when I finally realised that not only do I want more, but I deserve more. I am worthy of more. And I always give me – so I want a man - not a boy - who meets me at least where I am.
What I’m grateful for now is the clarity this heartbreak gave me. The space allowed me to see patterns I had carried for too long. It reminded me that my love, my energy, and my boundaries are sacred. I don’t need to over-give, over-compensate, or chase someone who isn’t walking next to me.
I am learning, again and again, to come home to myself. To honour my rhythm, my heart, my worth. To integrate the lessons, hold the shadows, and step fully into the light of my own sovereignty.
Many women I know are walking this path too — navigating heartbreak, reclaiming their power, remembering their own source. They are unravelling the old patterns, embracing their light, honouring their shadows, and returning to themselves.
That is the work of The Company of Her. The return. The remembering. The love.
I'm here for the messy, the tender, the quiet nights, the moments when your voice feels small. If you feel called to explore how I can support you, please get in touch. I’d love to hold space for you.
With love, and goddess light
Nat 🤍